Approaching Change

I sit idle and wait for the excitement of the world to come. Soon there will be news of great import and interest, which will shape the course of my life. That news will determine my career, my partner, my everything. The news is growing closer like a wave, and the closer in gets, the more it overshadows me. I will soon be overcome and engulfed. It will carry me off to the next stage of life.

For today though, I wait. The waters have become so familiar. I no longer have to try to stay afloat. Nearly unconscious, everything just falls into place. For a long time, this stillness was peace, which afforded me time to understand myself. I am grateful for the experience of peace, but now the placid water has become uneasy. I can sense what's coming. The sea is in flux. No longer is it my home.

I am crazy with anticipation. What I do feels meaningless, because the magnitude of the coming wave is too great to be affected. I've done the work that matters. Now, even the few tasks that don't seem trivial will have no lasting impact. Daily life has turned into monotony of the unimportant.

Even so, I am drawn to stay because of all the people I love. Soon I will be thrust away from them. I know many of our relationships will endure, but never with the current amount of intimacy. I am afraid of loss's inevitable grief: the sadness that doesn't heal, but smolders in your heart forever. This is the great sorrow of progression.

I'm tired of waiting for my life to change. I will never be ready to separate from family and friends, but I'm tired of waiting for the pain of goodbye. Waiting is the worst part.

A fifth installment.

A Human Condition

There are those times in life when you're not with friends, when your family is being snippy, and thus left to your own thoughts and devices.  I heard today that when left to your own devices, you are in fact left to your vices.  I don't agree.  There is a certain state of self awareness that can only be reached through solitude.  You realize that you are alone and that it's okay.

I have experienced these moments on occasion.  They are always a breath of fresh air.  However, there is always an unsettling underpinning.  On some level, I am called to let myself be more than me.  That might sound strange.  I yearn to let those that surrounded me define part of who I am.  I want to be able to find people that I can develop relationships with so that we define each other.  At the surface that seems silly, but on other levels it seems my most primary purpose to reach a most meaningful end.  My future outlooks are seeming unlimited, but it all seems trivial in comparison.

Perhaps I'm just a romantic at heart.  However, I cannot believe that what I feel is isolated in me or even a group of people.  It is bound to be a human condition.  One that is manifested in the creation of our great societies, communities, and families.  I conclude I am driven by a universal impulse that is beyond my controlling, but I do not think of this in the negative.  Even if I am drawn by the same feelings as the rest of the world is, it still remains that nothing would bring me greater joy than finding people to love.  This I accept without reservation.  I can't do anything about it, and to throw out the idea would only stall and make hard the process.

I will walk into the world with open heart and mind, and I will never choose work and school at love's expense.

A fourth installment.

What's Real

Friday, July 27, 2012

I'm performing Sondheim's "Into the Woods" tonight, well playing in the the pit for the show.  It a bit creepy, but definitely fun!  My fellow violinist and I make it good.  Although, I can't feel as connected with the show as I was with the musical "Bare," which I played in earlier in the summer.  There is just something about the reality of Bare that makes it so striking.  Our show is sold out though!

This week I've receive the great opportunity to work in a physics lab.  My professor has been really great!  He is pretty much leaving the project up to me.  It's dealing with 5nm gold nano-particles ligated with dodecathymine groups.  It moves under an electric field, but only when surface area is maximized.  The same result is not repeated with its bulk properties.  My job is to investigate this and find out as much as I can.  As a high school student, I'm currently a bit in over my head!  It should be an awesome experience though, and i'm confident I can get some good work done!

Olympics start today!  I hope for relative peace in the UK during the next few weeks!  I'll look forward to watching the games!  Whoo!

A third installment.

A Sunday's Thought

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I go to church with regularity.  Contrary to the expression, I am religious but not spiritual.  Every ounce of effort I put into our church community is worth it.  In efforts to help those in need and to push for equality among all races, genders, ages, and sexual orientations, I have been able to experience the true gift that my church is on the community.  However, I am conflicted.  In no way do I believe in a God that is active in our lives.  I often debate the question whether it is moral for me to participate in an institution which is based on definite core values that I do not share.  For now I plan to continue my involvement in the church, if for no other reason but for the special connection I have made with members of the faith community.

I think longingly of the innocence of the main characters in "Moonrise Kingdom."  While we can never escape the knowledge we've taken in, I resolve to keep delving into the unknown.  Perhaps, once again, I can be innocent and ignorant, at least for a moment.

Dress rehearsals for Sondheim's "Into the Woods" start tomorrow.  It'll be fun to play through the entire show with the singers for a first time.  I'm look forward to it.  I am sad that I won't be able to see the show though, the disadvantages of playing in the pit.

My continued thoughts for those in Aurora.  I wish peace for all those involved.

A second installment.

A Modest Beginning

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Thoughts from the past few days:

I am truly jealous of those people that are able to meaningfully pray.  What better way exists to receive support and guidance than from a fictitious God?  Whether I have free will or not, it would seem my future is now of my choosing, even considering its minute significance on the universe.

Soon the problem of civic duty will befall me as i enter the age of majority.  I still don't understand what makes people different and puts others ahead.  Why are some smart?

Life continues busily.  Doors open, and i try to enter them all.  Working in a lab this next year on the side will be a great experience!  However the work of finding a school after this next year at high school is beginning to press down upon me.  The tragedy in Aurora, Colorado only intensifies my thinking of why humans are so diverse.  For better or for worse, we are a complex species that will forever be unpredictable.  A blessing and a curse.

I look forward to meeting the POPS show-choir guys tonight!  We're definitely going to be doing some music learning!

A first installment, to be augmented regularly.