Approaching Change

I sit idle and wait for the excitement of the world to come. Soon there will be news of great import and interest, which will shape the course of my life. That news will determine my career, my partner, my everything. The news is growing closer like a wave, and the closer in gets, the more it overshadows me. I will soon be overcome and engulfed. It will carry me off to the next stage of life.

For today though, I wait. The waters have become so familiar. I no longer have to try to stay afloat. Nearly unconscious, everything just falls into place. For a long time, this stillness was peace, which afforded me time to understand myself. I am grateful for the experience of peace, but now the placid water has become uneasy. I can sense what's coming. The sea is in flux. No longer is it my home.

I am crazy with anticipation. What I do feels meaningless, because the magnitude of the coming wave is too great to be affected. I've done the work that matters. Now, even the few tasks that don't seem trivial will have no lasting impact. Daily life has turned into monotony of the unimportant.

Even so, I am drawn to stay because of all the people I love. Soon I will be thrust away from them. I know many of our relationships will endure, but never with the current amount of intimacy. I am afraid of loss's inevitable grief: the sadness that doesn't heal, but smolders in your heart forever. This is the great sorrow of progression.

I'm tired of waiting for my life to change. I will never be ready to separate from family and friends, but I'm tired of waiting for the pain of goodbye. Waiting is the worst part.

A fifth installment.